METH ~ CRANK and Rotten Teeth “Piggin and Wiggin'out” Combination Convenience Store, Rib-joint, and Asian Fingernail Parlor.

 METH ~ CRANK and Rotten Teeth
“Piggin and  Wiggin' out” Combination Convenience Store, Rib-joint, and Asian Fingernail Parlor.

Okay, you stop in the “Piggin and Wiggin' out” Combination Convenience Store, Rib-joint, and Asian Fingernail Parlor, to pick up a thirty-six can suitcase of Brown Derby beer. While there you strike up a conversation with this smoking-hot, dish-water bleached blond and former truck stop lot-lizard, queen that works behind the counter. Your 'labeato' (libido) jumps when you notice that she doesn't have any grease burns on her forearms from cooking all those corn-dogs and chicken-tenders.

She smiles and you catch the acidic aroma of acetone induced “crack fumes,” that still linger around your dog-pecker gnat infested beard. Instantly your the stud-muffin syndrome kicks in precipitated by the two bottles of Mad Dog 20/20, and the two small crack rocks you consumed before leaving the house. During her fifteen minute personal break you make plans to meet her out behind the convenience store later in the day and fire off a bong.

Heading for your 1983 Toyota something pickup you flop down in the front seat, squirm slightly to remove the pointed end of a chop stick that has been impaled in your butt cheek. The chop stick came with the carry out teriyaki chicken you had last night and all the other trash that has collected in the floor board had been shoved off the center console over to the passenger side of the car. Something catches your eye lying on the sticky beer stained center console. Its half of a small white pill and a big smile comes across your face when you realize it is one third of a 10mg Hydrocodone. After pulling off a couple of unknown hairs from the surface of the pill you lay it on the chromed lid of the ash-tray. Using the metal edge of a Skoal tobacco can you pulverized the pill into a fairly fine consistency and bend close as your nose makes a snorting sound like a Hoover vacuum cleaner plugged with a giant hair ball. Moistening your finger you wipe up the residue off the lid and rub it under your tongue. The rush blurs your eyes and everything looks like you're seeing it through a soda straw so you suck down a can of warm beer to clear your vision and to get the bitter taste out of your mouth. Most of the beer makes it down your throat.

Awake you decided to head out on the two lane black top, suck down a couple more beers and begin fighting the bar-ditches as you head back to your double-wide house trailer. You mind is running a hundred miles and hour and all you think about taking some hits with the blond at the store later in the day. Sinking lower into the seat one eye lid shut and you begin to drool. That is when it hits you, you come full awake. Damn your old lady live at the double-wide and she don't take kindly to you hanging out with other hides. You need to get her out of your hair, hell she is cramping your style son a voice whispers inside your pea-vine head.

How do you hide a five-feet two-inch fat girl that tips the scales two hundred and sixty pounds. Your mind is racing while it bounces off the sides of your cranium all the time running film of the skinny blond with a pocket full of rocks and the keys to the Brown Derby depository.

So the question is, “how to get rid of the little fat girl at home?” You know if you shoot her there would be 'stuff' everywhere and after watching one hundred and eleven hours of CSI Miami and over three hundred hours of COPS you know all about good 'stuff.' You just need for her to disappear and not come back and that is when it comes to, you'll take her fishing. She likes to fish and she want think nothing of you coming home with a bucket of stink bait, and wanting to go-a-fish'n. You tell everyone that she left a note saying she was going to see her sister down in Atlanta and no one will know the difference. All you need to know is how to sink her and keep her down until nature does it work.

To keep a body down depends upon a number of factors beginning with but not limited to water temperature. Is the water moving such as a river or stream? Is the water still such as would be found in a pond or lake? It is shallow like in a slue, or slow moving back waters off a natural meandering stream? Is the water warm or cold? Is the water fresh or saline such as a river or brackish from ocean inlets, etc. Water that is sufficiently warm enough will cause a body to decompose and float much quicker than cold water and may actually prevent decomposition from forming in a corpse and keep the body from floating.

How to get her in the water. You hit her on the head and dump her over board. No! If you do that that there will be a big bump on her head, remember episode number ---- ah ---- something or other where the CSI determined that the guy was killed and thrown in the lake. Hell, she can't swim so why not just throw her out of the boat into the water. You row off and she thrashes around like a wounded whales and then sinks once she takes in a good lung full of water. She will begin to rot away at the moment of death, the correct term is decompose. The decay of the flesh will generate gases that that it will be trapped in her body causing it to float. Seeing how a body is normally heavier than water she should get a good lung full of swamp water and sink like a rock. Even if she does sink after a few days in the warm water the decomposition will generate enough gas to float her to the top. You'll have to come back down to the swamp and find her floating corpse and shoot her with your twenty-two rifle a few times and she might just up and explode like a bloated cow when stuck with a sharp stick and sink.

Then again, maybe when she comes to the surface the birds, some bugs, snapping turtles an alligator are some other scavengers will be'ah eat'en on her. Once them critters chew a hole in her it will cause the bloating body to lose the gases (hydrogen sulfide, carbon dioxide and methane) that are building up and she will fall apart and sink to the bottom. The only other way to keep her from float'en like dead Carp Fish is to wrap her in chicken-house wire and wait for her to grow. In only about three days in the swamp-water and she'll starts swelling from the gases and the wire will cut-her-up into dozens of six-sided plugs and she will since like a rock.

You can see her now floating in the lagoon like a grazing Manatee, head, arms and legs all hanging down beneath her. Then it is off to the Piggin Wiggin'out” Combination Convenience Store Rib Joint and Asian Fingernail Parlor, where that hot, dish-water bleached blond and former truck stop lot-lizard, queen works.

You dream of the moments you can share with her and the half dozen crack rocks she has in her pocket.

Life is good.

I WANT TO KEEP YOU FOREVER ~ BUT YOU'RE STARTING TO STINK!

I WANT TO KEEP YOU FOREVER - BUT YOU'RE STARTING TO STINK!

How could they do this to you after you've spilled your guts out to them, trusting them with your darkest secrets and this is how you are rewarded ------ Infidelity? All you need to know is how to take care of your wife, husband, lover, boyfriend, girlfriend, neighbor, room-mate or what or who ever you are so fanatically possessing over. Revenge! Yeah that will teach them, but how can you get rid of the body? I know it and you know it but you, you sick, perverted, sicko want to keep a memento ---- Yeah, right. First off you can't wear a necklace of their teeth around you neck, the filling are a sure give away that you didn't pick up an antique necklace last summer at the swap meet. Not only that it will clash with your Saint Christoper's medal. The Vietnam war is over and you are not old enough to fought in it so you can't justify having human ears dangling off your key chain.

Thanks to technology you have a solution ---- Lets make their corpse into diamonds. So, first off we need to cremate the body. You can't use the local funeral home to do it for you as they have this messy little thing known as paper work. You will have to do this yourselves by first stuffing old Benedict Arnold, who stole and sold your heart out into a fifty-five gallon metal drum. Five to ten gallons of diesel fuel will also be needed even though it puts out a lot of smoke. Even though you're sensitive to global warning caused by burning hydrocarbons it has to be done. We can offset your feeling by using some hard wood later, sort of like helping keep things green, all natural so to speak. A half rick of good oak fire wood should do the trick, but I would bring along a full rick just to be safe.

I would suggest sitting the barrel up on a sturdy metal rack say about one foot off the ground. Stick about a third of the rick of fire wood under and around the barrel but don't light it yet. First pour five or six gallon of diesel in the barrel stand back as you don't want to scorch your eye brows when you light the diesel. Do not worry about all the popping, cracking and assorted gurgling noises that will come from inside the barrel. Sometimes muscles pop loudly as bodily fluid turn to stream from the heat and burst muscle tissue apart as it escapes into the atmosphere. This noise will lessen as the corpse is fully consumed and most of the moisture is cooked out of your lover.

Once the fire from the diesel dies down I would go ahead and light the fire wood you have stuffed under the barrel. Keep the firewood well stoked under the barrel over the next few hours until your love is fully rendered to a unrecognizable dried lump. If you do this correctly there shouldn't be anything left in the barrel except a dark grayish-black dried clump of burnt something or other and particles of whitish bones and teeth. If there are any metal parts from back screws, leg pins or other assorted foreign objects from medical procedures, now is the time to remove them. All of the material left should be natural and must be crushed up into a very fine power. Bone joints and teeth are really tiresome and vexing to say the least and in most cases muscle power just want do. To complete the task you will need a good ball pen hammer, dust mask, plastic bag, or a cardboard box like the free ones you get at the post office to ship priority mail in, a bottle of vodka to pass the time and quite your nerves will suffice while pulverizing the chunks.

Unless your Daddy Warbucks or Bill Gates this part will be a little difficult for most but with a little ingenuity and determination it can be over come. You need to collect several ounces of the crushed ash place it in a crucible that can withstand a tremendous amount of heat. You can pick one up at your local chemical supply company or foundry supply company. We need a furnace that we can put the crucible in and then bring the temperature up to just a little over five thousand degrees, Fahrenheit. We want to burn out, or oxidize all the material that makes up the ash leaving only carbon. Once this process of oxidization has given us a small quantity of pure carbon as we continue the heating process for two or three weeks until the pure carbon turns to graphite.

Now for the fun part of you twisted, sick, freak. We take the hot graphite from the crucible and place it is a special made heavy form, or core with a metal catalyst, so we can begin the process of making a diamond seed crystal. The from or core as it is known as is then put into a massive diamond press. This press will apply about eight hundred thousand pounds per square inch of pressure on the graphite seed. Over the next few weeks the the temperature of the core has to be brought up to around two-thousand five-hundred degrees Fahrenheit. In about four to six weeks we will let the core cool down and when opened your dearest will be a rough diamond crystal.

This is so exciting seeing how we are almost there. First off you need to find a reputable diamond cutter at this point and have him or her cut your rough diamond crystal. Once cut or faceted into a beautiful stone you can have it mounted into a nice gold mount.

Here is the most crucial advise that I can give you. Keep you mouth shut about where you got the crushed ash and don't brag about getting away with murder. If you luck out you will fall in love again and when you do you can set that really nice little diamond into a new engagement ring and give it to your new lover. Hey it is practical and it will save you some money at the same time.

An as someone once said, “Live long and proper.”

Now for the Disclaimer - This blog does not suggest that anyone should do anything that would be considered illegal. This is a blog for writers to use for research, and as a comical relief of a very serious problem. If you do not understand this fully, or you think this give you the rights to commit an illegal act----you're one sick bastard, and you should seek competent mental counseling immediately.

LYE, ain't just for cleaning out your sewer drains

LYE, ain't just for cleaning out your sewer drains

Lye, Pot Ash, or Caustic Soda also known chemically as Sodium Hydroxide (NaOH),is a great product for getting rid of those pesky problems around the house. For this discussion will we refer to Sodium Hydroxide by its more common name, Lye.

Lye has been around for years and mankind has greatly benefited from it caustic action on different products. I myself use it as a metal cleaner as it works extremely well in removing grease, oil, or other smudges on freshly ground metal, prior to final finish.

A Garrett Snuff glass full of pelleted lye near the front door was a common sight in the 18th and 19th centuries. Opening the door to an intruder or stranger could have terrible coincidences when communication sometimes took days to relay. A stubborn robber rapist or bully was sure to struggle with both eyes and his mouth full of lye. The end results would most likely be partial or complete blindness and a best case scenario it would cause death from ingestion of the lye. An early method of murdering a person was to pour lye down their throats. Excerpts from actual case reports show that it was a horrific, slow and painful death. It is believed by many that John Wilkes Booth escaped the burning barn in Washington DC, after he killed President Lincoln and later committed suicide by drinking a glass of lye in Enid, Oklahoma, in the early part of the 19th Century.

Lye is also used in the making of cloth, paper, soaps, cleaning product, crystal-methamphetamine and a world of other product. Lye is a great product to help rid yourself of that ever bloating and now stinking body in your basement. Not only is that corpse a health concern for you and others it will draw vermin and even your neighbor's dog. Also when the long arm of the law finds your ex-wife's boyfriend laid out on the Craftman's work bench you are going to be in shall we say, deep doo-doo!

As a teenager I have used lye to remove the excess flesh (tissue) and hair from numerous animal skulls that I have pickup as road kills over the years for my science class. I also have used lye to clean the tissue and grease from large leg bones of both cattle and deer. By cleaning the oil and tissue from the bones, I can then dye them with chemicals and use the clean, dyed bone for knife handles.

If you have a big enough pot like a steel barrel you can mix water and lye together and then heating it to approximately 300* F, or a good rolling boil a body can be rendered down in 12 to 14 hours. Using a pressure cooker such as they have down at the canning plant a human body will be rendered to liquid in about 4 or 6 hours. In both cases you need to strain out the bones, loose teeth, and occasionally the hair before you flush the remains down the drain and letting the cities' digestion tanks at the sewer plant take care of the soup. Warning big chunks will plug up drains and city sewer lines and this ain't good people. The poor man's method is to just dump the corpse into a shallow grave and pouring a few pounds of lye on the body. Lye will draw natural moisture from the surrounding soil and this will facilitate the chemical action needed. I would suggest however you spray the lye with a water hose if available as this will greatly enhance success in decomposition and turning the tissue into a slimy, unrecognizable clump of goop.

Later I will post more on using lye and it benefits for cleaning your Acne pitted face and how it is used to in relieving leg cramp at night. Until then, a can of RED DEVIL Lye is only about $3.49 a can at your grocery store.

Coming in a couple of days, Check out getting rid of your abusive husband, wife, neighbor, boss or who ever is the focus of your rage using "Quick Lime."  Damn, it is good stuff. 

  

Now for the Disclaimer - This blog does not suggest that anyone should do anything that would be considered illegal. I do not even know why I should have to write this, but my lawyer said the world is made up of malcontents looking for a way to sue someone. Anyway this is a blog for writers to use for research, people who want to know about and as a comical relief of a very serious problem. If you do not understand this fully, or for any reason you think this give you the rights to commit an illegal act ---- You're one sick bastard and you should seek competent mental counseling immediately.