I WANT TO KEEP YOU FOREVER - BUT YOU'RE STARTING TO STINK!
How
could they do this to you after you've spilled your guts out to them,
trusting them with your darkest secrets and this is how you are
rewarded ------ Infidelity? All you need to know is how to take care
of your wife, husband, lover, boyfriend, girlfriend, neighbor,
room-mate or what or who ever you are so fanatically possessing over.
Revenge! Yeah that will teach them, but how can you get rid of the
body? I know it and you know it but you, you sick, perverted, sicko
want to keep a memento ---- Yeah, right. First off you can't wear a
necklace of their teeth around you neck, the filling are a sure give
away that you didn't pick up an antique necklace last summer at the
swap meet. Not only that it will clash with your Saint Christoper's
medal. The Vietnam war is over and you are not old enough to fought
in it so you can't justify having human ears dangling off your key
chain.
Thanks
to technology you have a solution ---- Lets make their corpse into
diamonds. So, first off we need to cremate the body. You can't use
the local funeral home to do it for you as they have this messy
little thing known as paper work. You will have to do this
yourselves by first stuffing old Benedict
Arnold,
who stole and sold your heart out into a fifty-five gallon metal
drum. Five to ten gallons of diesel fuel will also be needed even
though it puts out a lot of smoke. Even though you're sensitive to
global warning caused by burning hydrocarbons it has to be done. We
can offset your feeling by using some hard wood later, sort of like
helping keep things green, all natural so to speak. A half rick of
good oak fire wood should do the trick, but I would bring along a
full rick just to be safe.
I
would suggest sitting the barrel up on a sturdy metal rack say about
one foot off the ground. Stick about a third of the rick of fire wood
under and around the barrel but don't light it yet. First pour five
or six gallon of diesel in the barrel stand back as you don't want to
scorch your eye brows when you light the diesel. Do not worry about
all the popping, cracking and assorted gurgling noises that will come
from inside the barrel. Sometimes muscles pop loudly as bodily fluid
turn to stream from the heat and burst muscle tissue apart as it
escapes into the atmosphere. This noise will lessen as the corpse is
fully consumed and most of the moisture is cooked out of your lover.
Once
the fire from the diesel dies down I would go ahead and light the
fire wood you have stuffed under the barrel. Keep the firewood well
stoked under the barrel over the next few hours until your love is
fully rendered to a unrecognizable dried lump. If you do this
correctly there shouldn't be anything left in the barrel except a
dark grayish-black dried clump of burnt something or other and
particles of whitish bones and teeth. If there are any metal parts
from back screws, leg pins or other assorted foreign objects from
medical procedures, now is the time to remove them. All of the
material left should be natural and must be crushed up into a very
fine power. Bone joints and teeth are really tiresome and vexing to
say the least and in most cases muscle power just want do. To
complete the task you will need a good ball pen hammer, dust mask,
plastic bag, or a cardboard box like the free ones you get at the
post office to ship priority mail in, a bottle of vodka to pass the
time and quite your nerves will suffice while pulverizing the chunks.
Unless
your Daddy Warbucks or Bill Gates this part will be a little
difficult for most but with a little ingenuity and determination it
can be over come. You need to collect several ounces of the crushed
ash place it in a crucible that can withstand a tremendous amount of
heat. You can pick one up at your local chemical supply company or
foundry supply company. We need a furnace that we can put the
crucible in and then bring the temperature up to just a little over
five thousand degrees, Fahrenheit. We want to burn out, or oxidize
all the material that makes up the ash leaving only carbon. Once this
process of oxidization has given us a small quantity of pure carbon
as we continue the heating process for two or three weeks until the
pure carbon turns to graphite.
Now
for the fun part of you twisted, sick, freak. We take the hot
graphite from the crucible and place it is a special made heavy form,
or core with a metal catalyst, so we can begin the process of making
a diamond seed crystal. The from or core as it is known as is then
put into a massive diamond press. This press will apply about eight
hundred thousand pounds per square inch of pressure on the graphite
seed. Over the next few weeks the the temperature of the core has to
be brought up to around two-thousand five-hundred degrees Fahrenheit.
In about four to six weeks we will let the core cool down and when
opened your dearest will be a rough diamond crystal.
This
is so exciting seeing how we are almost there. First off you need to
find a reputable diamond cutter at this point and have him or her cut
your rough diamond crystal. Once cut or faceted into a beautiful
stone you can have it mounted into a nice gold mount.
Here
is the most crucial advise that I can give you. Keep you mouth shut
about where you got the crushed ash and don't brag about getting away
with murder. If you luck out you will fall in love again and when you
do you can set that really nice little diamond into a new engagement
ring and give it to your new lover. Hey it is practical and it will
save you some money at the same time.
An
as someone once said, “Live long and proper.”
Now
for the Disclaimer - This blog does not suggest that anyone should do
anything that would be considered illegal. This is a blog for writers
to use for research, and as a comical relief of a very serious
problem. If you do not understand this fully, or you think this give
you the rights to commit an illegal act----you're one sick bastard,
and you should seek competent mental counseling immediately.