I WANT TO KEEP YOU FOREVER ~ BUT YOU'RE STARTING TO STINK!

I WANT TO KEEP YOU FOREVER - BUT YOU'RE STARTING TO STINK!

How could they do this to you after you've spilled your guts out to them, trusting them with your darkest secrets and this is how you are rewarded ------ Infidelity? All you need to know is how to take care of your wife, husband, lover, boyfriend, girlfriend, neighbor, room-mate or what or who ever you are so fanatically possessing over. Revenge! Yeah that will teach them, but how can you get rid of the body? I know it and you know it but you, you sick, perverted, sicko want to keep a memento ---- Yeah, right. First off you can't wear a necklace of their teeth around you neck, the filling are a sure give away that you didn't pick up an antique necklace last summer at the swap meet. Not only that it will clash with your Saint Christoper's medal. The Vietnam war is over and you are not old enough to fought in it so you can't justify having human ears dangling off your key chain.

Thanks to technology you have a solution ---- Lets make their corpse into diamonds. So, first off we need to cremate the body. You can't use the local funeral home to do it for you as they have this messy little thing known as paper work. You will have to do this yourselves by first stuffing old Benedict Arnold, who stole and sold your heart out into a fifty-five gallon metal drum. Five to ten gallons of diesel fuel will also be needed even though it puts out a lot of smoke. Even though you're sensitive to global warning caused by burning hydrocarbons it has to be done. We can offset your feeling by using some hard wood later, sort of like helping keep things green, all natural so to speak. A half rick of good oak fire wood should do the trick, but I would bring along a full rick just to be safe.

I would suggest sitting the barrel up on a sturdy metal rack say about one foot off the ground. Stick about a third of the rick of fire wood under and around the barrel but don't light it yet. First pour five or six gallon of diesel in the barrel stand back as you don't want to scorch your eye brows when you light the diesel. Do not worry about all the popping, cracking and assorted gurgling noises that will come from inside the barrel. Sometimes muscles pop loudly as bodily fluid turn to stream from the heat and burst muscle tissue apart as it escapes into the atmosphere. This noise will lessen as the corpse is fully consumed and most of the moisture is cooked out of your lover.

Once the fire from the diesel dies down I would go ahead and light the fire wood you have stuffed under the barrel. Keep the firewood well stoked under the barrel over the next few hours until your love is fully rendered to a unrecognizable dried lump. If you do this correctly there shouldn't be anything left in the barrel except a dark grayish-black dried clump of burnt something or other and particles of whitish bones and teeth. If there are any metal parts from back screws, leg pins or other assorted foreign objects from medical procedures, now is the time to remove them. All of the material left should be natural and must be crushed up into a very fine power. Bone joints and teeth are really tiresome and vexing to say the least and in most cases muscle power just want do. To complete the task you will need a good ball pen hammer, dust mask, plastic bag, or a cardboard box like the free ones you get at the post office to ship priority mail in, a bottle of vodka to pass the time and quite your nerves will suffice while pulverizing the chunks.

Unless your Daddy Warbucks or Bill Gates this part will be a little difficult for most but with a little ingenuity and determination it can be over come. You need to collect several ounces of the crushed ash place it in a crucible that can withstand a tremendous amount of heat. You can pick one up at your local chemical supply company or foundry supply company. We need a furnace that we can put the crucible in and then bring the temperature up to just a little over five thousand degrees, Fahrenheit. We want to burn out, or oxidize all the material that makes up the ash leaving only carbon. Once this process of oxidization has given us a small quantity of pure carbon as we continue the heating process for two or three weeks until the pure carbon turns to graphite.

Now for the fun part of you twisted, sick, freak. We take the hot graphite from the crucible and place it is a special made heavy form, or core with a metal catalyst, so we can begin the process of making a diamond seed crystal. The from or core as it is known as is then put into a massive diamond press. This press will apply about eight hundred thousand pounds per square inch of pressure on the graphite seed. Over the next few weeks the the temperature of the core has to be brought up to around two-thousand five-hundred degrees Fahrenheit. In about four to six weeks we will let the core cool down and when opened your dearest will be a rough diamond crystal.

This is so exciting seeing how we are almost there. First off you need to find a reputable diamond cutter at this point and have him or her cut your rough diamond crystal. Once cut or faceted into a beautiful stone you can have it mounted into a nice gold mount.

Here is the most crucial advise that I can give you. Keep you mouth shut about where you got the crushed ash and don't brag about getting away with murder. If you luck out you will fall in love again and when you do you can set that really nice little diamond into a new engagement ring and give it to your new lover. Hey it is practical and it will save you some money at the same time.

An as someone once said, “Live long and proper.”

Now for the Disclaimer - This blog does not suggest that anyone should do anything that would be considered illegal. This is a blog for writers to use for research, and as a comical relief of a very serious problem. If you do not understand this fully, or you think this give you the rights to commit an illegal act----you're one sick bastard, and you should seek competent mental counseling immediately.