METH ~ CRANK and Rotten Teeth “Piggin and Wiggin'out” Combination Convenience Store, Rib-joint, and Asian Fingernail Parlor.

 METH ~ CRANK and Rotten Teeth
“Piggin and  Wiggin' out” Combination Convenience Store, Rib-joint, and Asian Fingernail Parlor.

Okay, you stop in the “Piggin and Wiggin' out” Combination Convenience Store, Rib-joint, and Asian Fingernail Parlor, to pick up a thirty-six can suitcase of Brown Derby beer. While there you strike up a conversation with this smoking-hot, dish-water bleached blond and former truck stop lot-lizard, queen that works behind the counter. Your 'labeato' (libido) jumps when you notice that she doesn't have any grease burns on her forearms from cooking all those corn-dogs and chicken-tenders.

She smiles and you catch the acidic aroma of acetone induced “crack fumes,” that still linger around your dog-pecker gnat infested beard. Instantly your the stud-muffin syndrome kicks in precipitated by the two bottles of Mad Dog 20/20, and the two small crack rocks you consumed before leaving the house. During her fifteen minute personal break you make plans to meet her out behind the convenience store later in the day and fire off a bong.

Heading for your 1983 Toyota something pickup you flop down in the front seat, squirm slightly to remove the pointed end of a chop stick that has been impaled in your butt cheek. The chop stick came with the carry out teriyaki chicken you had last night and all the other trash that has collected in the floor board had been shoved off the center console over to the passenger side of the car. Something catches your eye lying on the sticky beer stained center console. Its half of a small white pill and a big smile comes across your face when you realize it is one third of a 10mg Hydrocodone. After pulling off a couple of unknown hairs from the surface of the pill you lay it on the chromed lid of the ash-tray. Using the metal edge of a Skoal tobacco can you pulverized the pill into a fairly fine consistency and bend close as your nose makes a snorting sound like a Hoover vacuum cleaner plugged with a giant hair ball. Moistening your finger you wipe up the residue off the lid and rub it under your tongue. The rush blurs your eyes and everything looks like you're seeing it through a soda straw so you suck down a can of warm beer to clear your vision and to get the bitter taste out of your mouth. Most of the beer makes it down your throat.

Awake you decided to head out on the two lane black top, suck down a couple more beers and begin fighting the bar-ditches as you head back to your double-wide house trailer. You mind is running a hundred miles and hour and all you think about taking some hits with the blond at the store later in the day. Sinking lower into the seat one eye lid shut and you begin to drool. That is when it hits you, you come full awake. Damn your old lady live at the double-wide and she don't take kindly to you hanging out with other hides. You need to get her out of your hair, hell she is cramping your style son a voice whispers inside your pea-vine head.

How do you hide a five-feet two-inch fat girl that tips the scales two hundred and sixty pounds. Your mind is racing while it bounces off the sides of your cranium all the time running film of the skinny blond with a pocket full of rocks and the keys to the Brown Derby depository.

So the question is, “how to get rid of the little fat girl at home?” You know if you shoot her there would be 'stuff' everywhere and after watching one hundred and eleven hours of CSI Miami and over three hundred hours of COPS you know all about good 'stuff.' You just need for her to disappear and not come back and that is when it comes to, you'll take her fishing. She likes to fish and she want think nothing of you coming home with a bucket of stink bait, and wanting to go-a-fish'n. You tell everyone that she left a note saying she was going to see her sister down in Atlanta and no one will know the difference. All you need to know is how to sink her and keep her down until nature does it work.

To keep a body down depends upon a number of factors beginning with but not limited to water temperature. Is the water moving such as a river or stream? Is the water still such as would be found in a pond or lake? It is shallow like in a slue, or slow moving back waters off a natural meandering stream? Is the water warm or cold? Is the water fresh or saline such as a river or brackish from ocean inlets, etc. Water that is sufficiently warm enough will cause a body to decompose and float much quicker than cold water and may actually prevent decomposition from forming in a corpse and keep the body from floating.

How to get her in the water. You hit her on the head and dump her over board. No! If you do that that there will be a big bump on her head, remember episode number ---- ah ---- something or other where the CSI determined that the guy was killed and thrown in the lake. Hell, she can't swim so why not just throw her out of the boat into the water. You row off and she thrashes around like a wounded whales and then sinks once she takes in a good lung full of water. She will begin to rot away at the moment of death, the correct term is decompose. The decay of the flesh will generate gases that that it will be trapped in her body causing it to float. Seeing how a body is normally heavier than water she should get a good lung full of swamp water and sink like a rock. Even if she does sink after a few days in the warm water the decomposition will generate enough gas to float her to the top. You'll have to come back down to the swamp and find her floating corpse and shoot her with your twenty-two rifle a few times and she might just up and explode like a bloated cow when stuck with a sharp stick and sink.

Then again, maybe when she comes to the surface the birds, some bugs, snapping turtles an alligator are some other scavengers will be'ah eat'en on her. Once them critters chew a hole in her it will cause the bloating body to lose the gases (hydrogen sulfide, carbon dioxide and methane) that are building up and she will fall apart and sink to the bottom. The only other way to keep her from float'en like dead Carp Fish is to wrap her in chicken-house wire and wait for her to grow. In only about three days in the swamp-water and she'll starts swelling from the gases and the wire will cut-her-up into dozens of six-sided plugs and she will since like a rock.

You can see her now floating in the lagoon like a grazing Manatee, head, arms and legs all hanging down beneath her. Then it is off to the Piggin Wiggin'out” Combination Convenience Store Rib Joint and Asian Fingernail Parlor, where that hot, dish-water bleached blond and former truck stop lot-lizard, queen works.

You dream of the moments you can share with her and the half dozen crack rocks she has in her pocket.

Life is good.